Falling in love with someone does not automatically make everything they do adorable. You can love your partner deeply and still wonder why they leave dirty clothes beside the laundry basket instead of inside it.
You can think they are incredibly attractive and still be confused by their habit of chewing with their mouth open. And yes, you can be madly in love with someone while secretly thinking, “Please, for the love of God, stop doing that.” These little annoyances are what we now lovingly call the icks.
Some relationship icks are harmless and funny. Others involve habits that genuinely irritate you, affect your attraction to your partner or create tension in the relationship. The problem is that telling someone, “You have disgusting habits” is probably not the best way to begin the conversation.
If you want to address your partner’s bad habits without hurting their feelings or starting an argument, here are 6 things you can try.
1. Talk About the Habit, Not Their Personality: There is a huge difference between saying, “You are disgusting” and saying, “That habit really bothers me.” The first attacks the person’s character. The second addresses a specific behaviour.
Instead of saying, “You are so unhygienic,” try, “I get uncomfortable when you leave dirty plates in the room overnight.” See the difference?
Your partner is much less likely to become defensive when they understand that you’re talking about something they do, not something they are.
Remember, the goal of discussing relationship icks is not to make your partner feel defective. You are trying to communicate something that affects your comfort, attraction or happiness in the relationship.
2. Choose Your Moment Wisely: There is a time for everything, and the middle of an argument is probably not the time to announce your partner’s top five irritating habits. Imagine your partner has just returned from a stressful day at work, and you greet them with: “Welcome home. We need to discuss your chewing.”
Please don’t. Choose a calm, private moment when neither of you is already angry or embarrassed. Sensitive conversations about bad habits in relationships are much easier when people don’t feel ambushed.
Also, if the habit is something embarrassing, definitely don’t announce it in front of friends or family. Nobody wants their partner telling an entire Owambe table, “Please tell him to stop scratching his bum in public.” Some things should remain between the two of you.
3. Use Humour, But Don’t Use Humour to Humiliate: A little humour can make an uncomfortable conversation much easier. If your partner has a habit of leaving their socks everywhere, you could jokingly say: “Baby, I love you, but your socks have started behaving like they pay rent in this house.”
That might get a laugh while still communicating the message. However, be careful. Humour should soften the conversation, not disguise cruelty. There is a difference between teasing someone lovingly and repeatedly embarrassing them about an insecurity.
If your partner is genuinely sensitive about something, ditch the jokes and speak gently. The objective is communication, not collecting material for future arguments.
4. Explain How the Habit Makes You Feel: Sometimes people don’t realise how much their behaviour affects their partner. Instead of simply saying, “Stop doing that,” explain why it bothers you. For example: “When you interrupt me while I’m talking, I feel like you’re not listening to me.”
Or: “When you leave the bathroom messy after using it, I feel frustrated because I’m usually the one who ends up cleaning it.” This is much more productive than making sweeping statements such as, “You never respect me.”
Saying “I feel” can reduce defensiveness because you’re explaining your experience rather than putting your partner on trial. And please resist the temptation to bring up every offence committed since 2018. Discuss the issue at hand.
5. Make It a Two-Way Conversation: This is probably the most important rule. If you’re going to tell your partner about their icks, you must also be prepared to hear about yours. Yes, you too.
Nobody wants to hear, “I have a few things I’d like you to work on,” only to discover that the speaker’s own habits are apparently protected by diplomatic immunity. Try saying:
“There’s something you do that sometimes bothers me. I’m telling you because I love you and I think we should be comfortable talking about these things. And I’m also open to hearing anything I do that gets on your nerves.”
That changes the conversation completely. Healthy relationships require mutual accountability. Your partner should feel safe enough to say, “Actually, there’s something you do too,” without fearing that you’ll explode. You may even discover that your supposedly perfect morning routine is somebody else’s daily nightmare.
6. Remember That the Goal Is Improvement, Not Perfection: Your partner is a human being, not a home renovation project. Some habits can and should change; especially habits involving hygiene, respect, communication or behaviour that genuinely affects the relationship. But not every little annoyance needs a correction plan.
Maybe your partner folds towels differently, or they have an unusual way of eating cereal, or they sing terribly in the shower with the confidence of someone headlining a concert. Some things are simply quirks.
Before raising an issue, ask yourself: “Is this genuinely affecting our relationship, or am I simply irritated because they don’t do things the way I would?” That question can save you from unnecessary arguments.
Love Should Make Room for Honest Conversations
Being in a healthy relationship doesn’t mean pretending your partner never annoys you. It means creating enough emotional safety to talk about those annoyances without destroying each other’s self-esteem.
Your partner should be able to tell you, “Please stop doing that,” without you immediately hearing, “You are a terrible person.” And you should be able to say, “This habit bothers me,” without turning into their personal prosecutor.
The healthiest relationships aren’t necessarily the ones without awkward conversations. They are the ones where uncomfortable conversations can happen without becoming cruel conversations.
So go ahead and address the ick. Just remember: be kind, be specific, pick your moment, leave the public embarrassment out of it, and keep an open mind when your partner says, “Since we’re being honest, there’s something you do too.”
You might want to sit down for that one.
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