Forgive and Forget: How to Overcome Resenting Your Ex After a Painful Breakup

 

Let’s be honest for a second: resenting your ex can feel justified. They hurt you and disappointed you. They broke promises, crossed boundaries, or turned into someone you barely recognise. So yes, your anger makes sense, and no, you’re not dramatic. You’re just human.

However, here’s the uncomfortable truth we don’t talk about enough. Holding onto resentment is exhausting. It keeps you emotionally tied to someone who no longer deserves that level of access to your heart.

While resentment feels like protection at first, over time it quietly becomes a prison. So if you’re tired of replaying old arguments in your head, stalking their socials “by accident,” or feeling your mood shift whenever their name comes up, this is for you.

Think of this as a mini therapy session: no judgement, just honesty and healing.

First, Let’s Name the Pain (Not Minimise It)

Before anyone tells you to “forgive and forget,” let’s clear something up first. Forgiveness is not pretending it didn’t hurt. It’s not gaslighting yourself into being “the bigger person.” Also, it definitely doesn’t mean going back or reopening communication with someone who harmed you.

You’re allowed to acknowledge that what happened was painful, maybe even traumatic. Toxic relationships have a way of distorting your reality, lowering your self-esteem, and making you doubt your worth. If your ex lied, manipulated, cheated, or emotionally neglected you, that’s real damage.

So sit with that truth, journal it out, or cry if you need to. Healing doesn’t start with skipping the pain, it starts with honouring it.

Resentment Feels Powerful… Until It Doesn’t

Resentment can feel like control. Like, “At least I know I’ll never let that happen again.” But what it often does instead is keep you emotionally stuck in the past.

Here’s the quiet question worth asking: Who is resentment really hurting right now? Your ex, or you?

Chances are, they’ve moved on in some way, but you’re still carrying the weight. Still reliving the betrayal. Still emotionally reacting to someone who’s no longer in your life, and that’s not fair to you. Letting go isn’t about excusing them, it’s about choosing peace over prolonged pain.

Now, the Hard Part: Looking at Yourself Too

This is where growth lives, and where most people avoid going. It’s easy to paint our exes as the villain and ourselves as the victim, and sometimes, that’s largely true. But even at that, relationships rarely fall apart because of only one person.

Ask yourself gently (not harshly):

• Did I ignore red flags because I wanted love badly?

• Did I stay longer than I should have?

• Did I communicate clearly, or did I expect them to “just know”?

• Were there ways I abandoned myself to keep the relationship?

This isn’t about self-blame, but about self-awareness. When you understand the role you played, you gain power. Power to choose differently next time. Power to set better boundaries. Power to love without losing yourself. Growth begins where honesty lives.

Forgiveness Is a Process, Not a Switch

You don’t wake up one day and magically feel nothing. Forgiveness happens in layers.

Some days, you’ll feel calm and detached. Other days, the anger will sneak back in: triggered by a song, a memory, or seeing couples who look too happy. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re healing.

Try this reframe: Forgiveness is something you practise, not something you perfect. Also remember, forgiving someone does not require reconciliation. You can forgive from a distance. You can forgive without access. You can forgive and still choose yourself.

Practical Ways to Release Resentment

Let’s get actionable:

1. Stop romanticising the past: Write down the reasons the relationship didn’t work. Not the highlight reel, the real stuff. Go back to it when nostalgia lies to you.

2. Limit emotional re-exposure: Unfollow, mute, block if needed. Healing doesn’t thrive where constant reminders live.

3. Redirect the energy inward: Instead of asking, “Why did they do this to me?” ask, “What is this teaching me about myself?”

4. Talk it out, but wisely: Venting is healthy. Staying stuck in the same story for years is not. Choose friends or therapists who help you move forward, not spiral.

5. Visualise letting go: It might sound silly, but imagery works. Picture yourself handing back the pain that isn’t yours to carry anymore.

Becoming a Better Version of You

The goal isn’t just to “get over” your ex. It’s to become someone who doesn’t repeat the same emotional patterns. It’s to become someone who trusts their intuition. Someone who leaves when respect leaves. Someone who chooses peace over chaos, clarity over confusion, and self-worth over attachment.

Your breakup doesn’t define you, but how you heal from it will shape who you become next. So take your time, be kind to yourself, and remember: letting go of resentment isn’t losing, it’s reclaiming your life. You deserve that freedom.